Hello! As of this moment (atleast on the East Coast) you have made it halfway through the week. Well done! (We all need pats on the back sometimes).
Today, I wanted to show off a farcical piece I did. Another one, looosely based on the Bible. Not meant to offend, but it does poke fun at God and angels. So you’re warned.
The Utterly Untrue History of the Primordial Flood
While hotly debated both in historical societies and religious groups, the primordial flood mentioned in many religious and ancient texts dates back to one terribly unfortunate event. While an early event in human history, this was, in fact, the turning point for an aging deity.
For the human mind, the easiest way to understand this catastrophe is through the human aging process. Man was indeed made in the image of God. It was agreed, by God and the angels alike, that it was the best model known to the all knowing and his ever agreeing entourage. However, as we have come to learn, the design model had some blueprint flaws. While based on the best known in the universe, aging creates issues for both God and man alike. One of which, is incontinence.
As time passed, God struggled more and more to keep flooding his creation to a minimum. Still, early texts noticed more frequent and heavier downfalls around the globe. Chinese historians noted that rice crops struggled to survive these erratically heavy downpours for 20 years. Geological surveys note that Native American corn development was set back by two centuries by both monsoon like weather for years followed by terrible dryness.
Though the evidence was mounting, important factors blinded the Deity from taking measures to stop this issue. One important aspect was the celestial court. “You have to understand” Archangel Raphael wrote in his Memoir, Turmoil in Heaven, “dissent was not allowed. For the angels, the fall of Lucifer was dramatic and still recent. No one would have dared bring up God’s own personal issues. More than losing God, we really don’t do well in hot, burning places.” Unable to bring up any issue, the angels enabled God to maintain his delusion that he was perfect, despite the growing evidence of his own personal issue.
The tipping point occurred during a routine visit over Babylon. While doing routine site visits over what is now present day Iran, Iraq and Syria, he was delayed due to an unusual disease laying waste to the people of these areas. In his own apology, later published as All Powerful Imperfection, “Rather than acknowledge my own needs, I believed I didn’t have any. I would have saved many lives leaving early that day, but I did not, and hurt so much of my beloved creation. I will regret that for all of eternity.”
Indeed, instead of wait, he stayed too long. As he was leaving Earth to return to his court, God simply couldn’t hold it any longer. Being high above the planet, the downpour affected most of the globe. Only Australia, being on the opposite side of the planet, was spared the heavy flooding.
Realizing his grave errors, God worked to find a healthier combination of two important factors. First, he began personal prevention methods via drugs and undergarments; Also, realizing the importance of independent advisors, he allowed free speech and thought amongst the angels (although at times he regretted this decision immensely). Though Lucifer has petitioned for access back to heaven, God has denied him.
“Figures” Lucifer said in an interview afterwards, “once he’s upset, he takes an eternity to cool down over an issue.”